| CONFESSIONS OVERHEARD |
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Box Donation
A
married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest,
"I almost had an affair with another
woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean,
almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed
and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the
same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked
over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I
saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the
box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad,
passionate
love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your
face."
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Looks of Disappointment
A
man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes
fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're
cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute."
She asked, "What happened to
beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing
off."
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Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could
ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for
an animal in the church. But there are
some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something
for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.
Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the
service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary,
Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father
O'Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the
church?"
"He will."
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had
sex
with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all
this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm
telling everybody!"
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Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he
would like
a
young
girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man
and
asks how old he is.
"I'm 90
years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh,
sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
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Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor.
"Senility is when you
forget to zip down."
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Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived
home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she
pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
the
man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
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